I skipped blogging yesterday. Sharing my story is far more emotional then I could have known. Daily there are new twist and turns in this adventure, as in all of life. However, for me is more then just some-thing going on. This breast implant removal has blossomed into my souls purpose. I haven’t ever taken on a task as big as this. Perhaps as big as giving birth to my children. For in this process I am birthing a new Me.
Long ago, I was a child, an innocent blonde hair bright eyed girl. I liked to run, play, ride my bike, and sing with my best friends. Then, I somehow left that innocent world and opened the door of AdultHood.
The images of girls that looked like me where put on magazines, and I noticed I was now “sexy” not so much “smart” “Smart” girls go to college. College was not my thing. I wanted adventure. I guess I thought the breast implants would take me around the world, HA maybe after this they will.
I lusted after this image, this image that is everywhere we look. Perky Boobs, white teeth, blonde hair, designer clothes, high heels…. Those images captivated my eyes. I am a thinker, and the school people told me that was going to get me no where fast. I did not like doing their test, I did not enjoy learning their text book facts. My thinking lead to questioning what i was being taught. I liked creating, yet I did not know what “I” liked to create. Well, I liked to create sex. And girls that like to create sex are not always viewed as “smart,” especially when I was not buying the religion I was being force feed.
I have always been open with my body. Standing naked in front of a group of people does not bother me. What I see often, is that My nudity bothers others. Maybe it bothers them because of their insecurities, perhaps because of the way they feel when they look at me. Im not sure why we are so hung up on nudity in this society?
I knew after high school I was going to leave the town I grew up in. The town I felt was going nowhere fast. I also knew for many years I wanted Breast Implants. I had small breast and they were often the center of jokes. I wish I knew then, that others only say to you how they feel about themselves. To hide, or cover their own insecurities. I did not know that though. I wasn’t taught to foster and nurture my female relationships. As a matter of fact, I was told girls would never like me because I was pretty, yet I was scorned and picked on because of the way I looked. I did not “feel” pretty. I felt awkward, insecure and inadequate.
So I had just turned 19 and was introduced to a quick easy way to make some money, and money something I thought I needed to seize adventure in my heart. I pulled together $5,000.00, got my implants went to a strip club 5 hours away from where I lived. I entered an “amateur” contest and made $1,000.00 the first night. This was what I was making a month waiting tables! Which was fine when I was in high school, but not getting me anywhere in this new adult world I found myself in. I was hooked. LIke Crack. Dancing was easy for me. Stand up, take my dress off, and men threw money my way. This seemed easy enough. I was so nieve.
Shortly after I began dancing I met my children’s father, no not a strip club! I also read a Book, called Conversations with God. This book awakened my awareness of my soul. I also found Unity church. Where gay people attended and it did not matter I had taken my clothes off for money. I wasn’t labeled a sinner. For the first time in my life, I meet people that saw the light in me. They constantly lifted me up. And I did nothing. I just showed up. One week after reading the book Conversations with God, I became pregnant with my first child. I had stopped dancing, but did not know what I could do with me life. I still do not. As now, I know there is no-thing to do, only to be. And today being in the moment is all I ask for.
I am so blessed for my experiences their at the “Purple Church” There I learned many lessons. I met rock stars, athletes, porn stars, preachers, actors, seekers, moms,teachers, girls, women,,, I met humans, Doing, grasping to feel pleasure, or grasping at an effort to numb the pain.
It seems I am at a stage in my life telling my story is very necessary. Perhaps, I am going to die soon, perhaps, this is living for me now. Perhaps stripping away the tales from my past, shining a light on Gods grace in my life is the greatest doingness I could do.
I see my daughter. She is 7. Her name is Patience. She is innocent. Like a flower. She is the light of my life, and by telling my story, perhaps I protect her innocence. After I received breast implants, my innocence was gone. Telling my story helps me reclaim the child within, myself. The child within me that’s needs to create and shine…. I am crying again, as the tears eb and flow these days.
In the journey of my life I have sat with sages, and meditated with gurus i’ve danced on stage in front of 100,000 people. I have eaten from many buffets that this world has to offer. There is nothing sweeter then living simply. Simply Living.
The more I seek, the less I know. The more I listen, the more I grow.
I am sitting within the flow.
The flow of bliss,
there is a place i am going, i want you to know,
I am at peace, centered in love.
I share my adventures, my race to the grave,
Unlocking the stories of my outer slave.
I surrender to the inner,
place in my heart.
still, not even a fart.
In this quiet-ness i see me,
and you and us and we
Then infinity. ~
❤
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