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Category Archives: Breast Implant Removal

Think Implants will make you feel more like a woman??

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Today I celebrate 14 weeks free of the Breast Prosthetics!! The scars are still healing, the muscles are growing strong again and my sprits are high! Before the surgery I did an online event to share my photos of my first set of implants. This is the first time I share them here on this blog. In 1999 I went to a cosmetic surgeon to inquire about implants. My mother received implants from this man 10 years before I did, so naturally I went to him. She received over the muscle silicon implants. She also weighed about 20 pounds more then me. Now I am aware that carrying extra weight, even 20 pounds hides the il-effects of the implants. 
I was also unaware of the difference between a “Cosmetic Surgeon” and a “Plastic Surgeon” In previous blogs I detail the difference, but want to highlight today, my distain for this profession that uses women’s lack of self confidence to mutilate their bodies. The “doctor” (I use that term very lightly) did not tell me I was not a candidate for this surgery. My breast tissue was small and the implants lay over the muscle, therefore making the bag very easy to see. Also, there is not one Plastic Surgeon, that I have found, that preforms this TUBA<Trans Umbilical Breast Augmentation>procedure. The plastic surgeon that preformed the removal of my implants knew exactly who the “doctor” was that preformed my first surgery, and said he does at least one reparative surgery a week because of his work. The implants were put in threw my belly button, and as you can in the photo, there is a scar. When I google TUBA the sites do not show this truth. The rate of capsular contracture is also much higher with the TUBA, yet again on the web sites promoted by the “cosmetic surgeons” they do not say this, as a matter of fact they blatantly lie and say the risk with this surgery is much lower.
It took being off camera for the last surgeon to answer many of the questions I had regarding my first surgery. While I applaud the surgeon for the well job on the removal, there is still a part of me that is very unhappy with his ethics regarding the entire Breast Implant scene. Why do cosmetic surgeons still get to offer this surgery knowing the horrible outcome? Why, if he is correcting so many surgeries does he not call and report this surgeon. Basically, from my perception, if one surgeon is exposed, it will taint the whole scene. None of the surgeons preforming these surgeries are totally forth coming with evidence that implants are not always safe for every woman. Qualifications ad up to how much money the patient has.
I could not look at these photos for many years. It was not until November when I made the choice for removal that I even had the courage to show my partner of 2 years. Even viewing the photos was to painful.
I lived with the severe capusular contracture for 5 years. I did not wear a bathing suit and was very insecure with most shirts I wore because  I could see the deformity through the shirt.
In the past I worked at a few strip clubs. Miami and New York.. not shabby clubs like one my find in Arkansas where I am from. I have seen the behind the scenes of breasts implants, and I will tell you, my story is more common then any doctor will lead you to believe. I have seen the breasts of a few women in Playboy, and photoshop is a forgiving tool used on every model in the magazine. There is no data base, or any agency collecting info on these prosthetics. I was never counted for.

Today I carry the scars of this “scarless” procedure. I am happier then I could have ever imagined to be Plastic Free. Today, I have the courage to post these photos for all to see. I want women to understand that one surgery will most likely lead to another. The FDA only approves implants for 10 years.  This is my plea to the women reading this, do not mutilate your precious body. No matter what age or size you are now, this is not the answer to “feel more womanly”. Go take a yoga class or art class or grow a garden, there are many avenues we have available to tap into the divine goddess we are. Inserting plastic into our bodies, will not fill the void within. Feeling beautiful, I am now sure of, is an inside out job.~ Love & Light

Painted Boobies

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This year at Bonnaroo I finally found the courage to walk topless in public! I have desired to do body painting at Bonnaroo the last 2 years, yet did not feel comfortable with the breast implants. Perhaps it was the deformation of just the size of them, either way, I was not brave enough to “Free the boobies at Bonnaroo”! This year was different though. Friday night I found the DrumStrong tent where they offered body painting. There was a Pink ribbon suggesting they were supporting the Susan G Koman foundation. I told the founder, Scott, part of my story and shared my desire to paint my breasts at Bonnaroo, yet, my dilemma due to the fact that I do no give my dollars to this foundation. His ears perked up, and his heart opened as he shared with me how he has dealt with cancer in his own life, and how he too supports prevention. He spoke highly of a plant based diet, and drumming to bring one into the moment of life. He did not take my dollars that night, and that makes me happy. To find a group, doing what they do, because of the love they behold in their heart is a gem. For a moment, Scott recognized in me, a desire to be free and danced with me.

It was not until the next day I learned it is illegal for a woman to walk topless. I guess I just always assumed it was not something we did due to cultural ideals, not necessarily a law, or something I would go to jail for. This idea that if I show my breast in public is “indecent” is ludicrous to me. Who made this law? Surely it was a man! Walking topless feels so nice. Wearing a bra is not comfortable! Plus my wounds from the surgery are not all the way healed and the bathing suit or bra hurts the bottom incisions.

What is it with women’s breasts and mans need for us to cover them? And what keeps us bound to keep following these man made laws? Is it our own insecurities that keeps our shirts on? Have we as women bought so heavily into the idea that our bodies are sinful and must be covered? I say to all you women reading this.. FREE Your Breasts. BE Who you ARE! Sunning topless feels amazing!

14 weeks post Breasts Prosthetic Removal and I could not be happier about my choice. The Dr. that removed them kept asking if I was going to be “OK” with the smaller size, well, today I say “YES I AM!” These scars feel better to me then the plastic EVER did.Top on, or top off, I am OK with simply being me.

I will never again modify me to “fit in”. I will stand tall, and bathe in who I AM. I will show my daughter by my actions, that being a woman, means following your heart. Even if that means painting the world with your own colors your own unique way.. Live Brightly! Live Boldly.. We are only here for a brief moment. Carpe Diem!

Stitch Removal, 12 weeks later..

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The last few days I have felt a hard rough place, like a scab on my right breast where the skin is still healing. Today after the shower when I was applying coconut oil to the area I pulled the scaby piece of scar, and a thick stitch came with it! The stitches so far have disolved on their own, so this was a little shocking! I attempted to pull it, which looking back appears to not have been the best idea! The stitch was not budging. I cut the stitch short, in hopes it will further dissolve on its own.
Now, the place is tender and wearing a bra is not happening today!

This time in my healing, aside for the slightest of pains from the scars healing, is quit a refreshing time for me. I feel like “me”. Maybe for the first time in my life. When I was 19 and made the choice to have implants there is no way I could have predicted how they would have changed my life. The way people treat each other based on looks has been highlighted for me within the last year. First with shaving my head, and now having this reduction is breast size. I am learning much about myself, and notice more when I begin to be judgmental or form an opinion about another based on simple appearances. This experience of carrying these scars is totally uplifting and helpful when I begin to creep into stereotyping, and judging. From this scared, but healing standpoint, it is much easier for me to remember every one is healing some scar in their life, somehow. This reflection has offered me a greater sense of humility, and connection with others. I am grateful for these scars. I own them. I love them, and that makes all the difference.

“Scarless Breasts Enhancement” NOT so Scarless!

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Today I celebrate 7 weeks free from Plastic Hell!!!! WOOHOOO!!!!
This morning I’m sitting on my front porch, having tea with my dog watching the birds. There is a peace about the day with the sun rising and the due evaporating, all is well and I am FREE. Physically Pain Free!
Each day the pain from the implants and the mass growing in my breast becomes further away. My body is rebuilding muscles and skin tissue all in perfect time. I am always amazed at the wonders of this body I have been gifted. What a brilliant machine the human body is!

I have had a lot of questions since I have gone public with my reality of living with breast prosthetics.
Like, what would I tell someone that is about to receive the prosthetics. My only advice to any one thinking of surgery Or that already has the prosthetics: Start a Savings Account. Begin saving for the next surgery.
Oh! And remember the doctor is there to sell you his product. Perhaps, a salesperson with a scalpel license would somewhat describe the Man sitting across from you, better then a “Doctor”. The sales person will never say, you are not qualified, or tell you the imminent danger you will be putting yourself in if you make this choice. There is no data base for follow ups, so ANY statistic they tell you will be misleading. Being a women is not about the size of our breast. Being an alive woman will never come from any foreign object. Especially one that implies such a health risk.
Last week i received the last bills, from my surgery, they were unexpected, as I thought I was paid in full. $500.00 more dollars for the hospital and doctor. Bringing my grand total to $19,400.00! I think of all of the things I could have purchased for almost 20grand! I think of all the people I could have helped with that money! But,,, I have these scars. Were they worth it? Absolutely, I wouldn’t change a minute of my life. Would I advise them to another human being? Absolutely NOT!

Dance, sing, love, bask in the Sun! Live life! <3 Cheers to you on this day of celebration! <3

9 Days later….

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I have thought about blogging everyday since the surgery. Blogging this journey feels natural and intimate. I am offered comfort in sharing my story with others.
March 16, 2011, at 1:25p.m. the Dr began cutting my skin. There are so many details of this experience I have to share with you. The video content for the documentary is superb. Julie, my sister, videographer, has walked with me through this process. I might ad, that she has a way of asking just the right question at just the right time, invoking tears, laughter and wisdom.

About a year ago I began a photo journal of my Breasts. As I noted the changes, I knew I needed to document them. The right breast had begun to deform and this thing I called “the knot” grew and grew. The doctor first called this knot a “RENT,” which I learned was a small leak in a silicone implant, which I did not have. At the next visit, he said it was a herniated implant, and the doctor that preformed my second surgery must have cut the muscle vertically and the implant was now being forced out of my body, due to my muscles growing from Poling.
This was all very confusing. The year before I thought this Knot was a byproduct of another contracture in the capsule around the implant. So hearing new words, new definitions, with little explanation was a lot for me to consume mentally. I must have 200 photos of my right breast, attempting to capture this growing hard bulge in my body.
After surgery I learned this “knot” was actually a blood clot. 3o CC’s of bloody liquid grew within the clot. I will be blogging more on the details of the clot, and share the photos with you. Seeing the blood clot laying on the implant in one of the photos the doctor took, filled me with many emotions.
A blood clot? In my body? Growing, What? I am still in shock, and processing this. As this blood clot was the source was much pain in my body.

Today the Implants are gone and the drain tubes have been out for 4 days. SWEET RELIEF.
I look in the mirror and think, “Why in the world did I ever make such a choice?” I bought into this “Quick Fix” idea that seems to loom over our society. I honestly did not think one time before I signed up for Scarless Breast Enhancements about them “going wrong”
I was 19 years old. I was told they would last a lifetime! I was not told about Capsular Contractures, Rupturing, Rents, Knots, Rippling,Hardening, Deformation, Desensitization, Blood Clots, Scar Tissue and NOT being able to feel another’s heart beat.
Now, 12 years later, $18,900.00, 3 surgeries, years of pain, shame, guilt, blame they are gone. I am free.
This is a good day for me. Last night, I tried on a few dresses that I hoped I could still wear, YES! AND I feel BEAUTIFUL! I have learned, for me, the size of my breasts are NOT important. 100%. I have learned that with this Big Smile, and Big Heart, and Big MInd, I am exactly perfect. The way god made me.

Today, I am Organic. I am animal free, plastic free, chemical free, wheat free. I am free to Hug and I will tell you Hugging is Healing. I was unable to hug straight on before, as the hard plastic was in the way, and painful to embrace another. Even with the stitches still remaining, I am in less pain then I was 10 days ago.
I am aware now, that for 12 years, my body has been fighting this plastic that was violently forced into it.
I was unaware of the Grace that lived within my body, I was unaware of my inner gifts. I tried to play God, Huge failure. Today, I will stand, in gratitude and awe of my wondrous body. This vehicle, container of the divine. My body is healing very rapidly, I have remained committed to my daily Yoga practice and at day 6, I began poling again. I am taking things very slow. I have taken time to heal from within.
I am blessed to have a network of people that love me and have helped me through this journey. Today is the best day of my life. And what is marvelous is that yesterday was the best day of my life and tomorrow is sure to top that!
The last 7 years of my life, I have spent in devotion to Prevention Medicine. Holistically honoring the rhythms of my life, and today, the diligence, has paid off. My body is happy today. Today I am in balance with all that is. This moment is sacred and I am grateful to share this with you.
There is a clip from the videos I will post soon. The moment I first see my new breasts is one of the most beautiful, pure, sweet moments of my life.
This is not just my story, but OUR story. This is my small part within the whole of us all. I share this in hope that I may save another human being from the pain I endured. Yes, it was worth it. Not one minute do I regret. Sharing this makes it worth every thing. What is within you that could help another? Share your sacred story too. Together, we are able to transcend and begin again.
Love and Light <3

Money Bags, Be Gone!

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I skipped blogging yesterday. Sharing my story is far more emotional then I could have known. Daily there are new twist and turns in this adventure, as in all of life. However, for me is more then just some-thing going on. This breast implant removal has blossomed into my souls purpose. I haven’t ever taken on a task as big as this. Perhaps as big as giving birth to my children. For in this process I am birthing a new Me.

Long ago, I was a child, an innocent blonde hair bright eyed girl. I liked to run, play, ride my bike, and sing with my best friends. Then, I somehow left that innocent world and opened the door of AdultHood.
The images of girls that looked like me where put on magazines, and I noticed I was now “sexy” not so much “smart” “Smart” girls go to college. College was not my thing. I wanted adventure. I guess I thought the breast implants would take me around the world, HA maybe after this they will.
I lusted after this image, this image that is everywhere we look. Perky Boobs, white teeth, blonde hair, designer clothes, high heels…. Those images captivated my eyes. I am a thinker, and the school people told me that was going to get me no where fast. I did not like doing their test, I did not enjoy learning their text book facts. My thinking lead to questioning what i was being taught. I liked creating, yet I did not know what “I” liked to create. Well, I liked to create sex. And girls that like to create sex are not always viewed as “smart,” especially when I was not buying the religion I was being force feed.
I have always been open with my body. Standing naked in front of a group of people does not bother me. What I see often, is that My nudity bothers others. Maybe it bothers them because of their insecurities, perhaps because of the way they feel when they look at me. Im not sure why we are so hung up on nudity in this society?
I knew after high school I was going to leave the town I grew up in. The town I felt was going nowhere fast. I also knew for many years I wanted Breast Implants. I had small breast and they were often the center of jokes. I wish I knew then, that others only say to you how they feel about themselves. To hide, or cover their own insecurities. I did not know that though. I wasn’t taught to foster and nurture my female relationships. As a matter of fact, I was told girls would never like me because I was pretty, yet I was scorned and picked on because of the way I looked. I did not “feel” pretty. I felt awkward, insecure and inadequate.
So I had just turned 19 and was introduced to a quick easy way to make some money, and money something I thought I needed to seize adventure in my heart. I pulled together $5,000.00, got my implants went to a strip club 5 hours away from where I lived. I entered an “amateur” contest and made $1,000.00 the first night. This was what I was making a month waiting tables! Which was fine when I was in high school, but not getting me anywhere in this new adult world I found myself in. I was hooked. LIke Crack. Dancing was easy for me. Stand up, take my dress off, and men threw money my way. This seemed easy enough. I was so nieve.
Shortly after I began dancing I met my children’s father, no not a strip club! I also read a Book, called Conversations with God. This book awakened my awareness of my soul. I also found Unity church. Where gay people attended and it did not matter I had taken my clothes off for money. I wasn’t labeled a sinner. For the first time in my life, I meet people that saw the light in me. They constantly lifted me up. And I did nothing. I just showed up. One week after reading the book Conversations with God, I became pregnant with my first child. I had stopped dancing, but did not know what I could do with me life. I still do not. As now, I know there is no-thing to do, only to be. And today being in the moment is all I ask for.
I am so blessed for my experiences their at the “Purple Church” There I learned many lessons. I met rock stars, athletes, porn stars, preachers, actors, seekers, moms,teachers, girls, women,,, I met humans, Doing, grasping to feel pleasure, or grasping at an effort to numb the pain.
It seems I am at a stage in my life telling my story is very necessary. Perhaps, I am going to die soon, perhaps, this is living for me now. Perhaps stripping away the tales from my past, shining a light on Gods grace in my life is the greatest doingness I could do.
I see my daughter. She is 7. Her name is Patience. She is innocent. Like a flower. She is the light of my life, and by telling my story, perhaps I protect her innocence. After I received breast implants, my innocence was gone. Telling my story helps me reclaim the child within, myself. The child within me that’s needs to create and shine…. I am crying again, as the tears eb and flow these days.

In the journey of my life I have sat with sages, and meditated with gurus i’ve danced on stage in front of 100,000 people. I have eaten from many buffets that this world has to offer. There is nothing sweeter then living simply. Simply Living.

The more I seek, the less I know. The more I listen, the more I grow.
I am sitting within the flow.
The flow of bliss,
there is a place i am going, i want you to know,
I am at peace, centered in love.
I share my adventures, my race to the grave,
Unlocking the stories of my outer slave.
I surrender to the inner,
place in my heart.
still, not even a fart.
In this quiet-ness i see me,
and you and us and we
Then infinity. ~


How to Dress a Breast Implant Prosthetic

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Hiding my Lady Lump.

Before I received Breast Implants I imagined how clothes would fit me better and how I would look more like a women if I had larger breast. I never thought of the rippling that goes along with implants. I sure did not think about Capsular Contracture or having a large knot in one of them. Every shirt or dress I wear now, must be chosen with this in mind. I also dreamed of going to Victoria Secret. Those commercials are very enticing! After my implants, I learned bra designers are most likely men, and were designed with real breast in mind.
Now, with the implant bottoming out so much, I am no longer able to wear a bra, or shirts with built in bras. The part were the band rubs under my implants causes a lot of pain.
I realized, while shopping with a girl friend recently, that I had not shared this with any one. In a moment of self realization I noticed I have been secretly hiding the flaws of the implants for many years.
I have seen other women with implants struggle with the same task. Hiding the flaws. Hiding the truth.

I wonder why more women do not talk publicly about this. Is it that we feel ashamed? The websites, and the stats and the doctors tell us, we are experiencing this “defect” because it is our bodies that are not ok. That the plastic prosthetic and their work is A-OK, it is our body that has become faulty.
I am so grateful for my experiences in life. I am so grateful I have spoken to so many dissatisfied women.These women remind me my story is NOT uncommon. Their stories, the photos of their breast implants remain at the front of my mind, I am no longer fooled by fake statistics and misleading evidence.
The stats are not true. They are not true because there is no Date Base for Women to Report To. There is no where my results where will be calculated. I am only a number. I only became a number because I had the dollars. Having breast implants is risky. The risk is far greater then what the Doctors making the money from these procedures want to tell us. Of course, they have been sold on this idea of fake beauty as well. They have been sold, this idea of a magic pill or a magic cut that will cure what ails us. I am not damming the doctors. That is not my style. I am sharing my story. I am sharing my reality, My experience. I am showing what many many women are afraid to show. Every day i receive messages from women telling stories of great courage, and wisdom.
I am grateful.

When we share our wisdom we strengthen the whole.
How we present ourselves and carry ourselves is how the world views us. Having breast implants did in-fact change the way I was viewed. So now dressing them becomes the task. I used to want larger breast, now they are in the way and a large reminder of why Prevention is my path.

Since I have shared this story, dressing my implants has become even more of a mindful task. Now when i meet people, their eyes first drift down. I notice they immediatly go to my chest. I wonder what they are thinking, can they see the deformity? Do they WANNA see the deformity. Because I will show you if you ask. I will allow you to touch the golf ball size knot that is close to rupturing. Some donate their bodies to Science when they go, me I offer my body daily to discover ways to prevent another from pain.
This is my story, unedited. with love and healing weaved in these words, i wish you a well day<3

Research Bull Shit…

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Researching this subject of Breast Implant Removal envokes many emotions.
So many of the top listed sites online are by Cosmetic Surgeons, and are all for selling the implants. OF course they are! Look at this site, pink and pretty. They talk about how women suffer hate for their breast so having them “enhanced” will help them love their bodies again. Then they ad in the twist, propaganda… “we care about your mind body connection. “
That’s Bull Shit.

Here is what they had to say about Removal. LAST RESORT. HAve other implants put in.
In the second part it says the breast will be the same size or bigger. That is what happened after my first surgery. My second doctor, a PLASTIC SURGEON, advised me of the risks of doing reconstruction then, and I scared about having my nipples removed. So, we went bigger. Since the first implants were put in Over-The-Muscle, and nursing 3 children, there was a lot of skin. Going bigger was my option. I take responsibility for doing so. As at that time, i made the best choice I could with the information I had.
No woman told me how heavy these things would be. I was not aware of how the implant would receed into my armpit, making it difficult and painful at times to move my arms. There is a Constant rubbing, from my bicep, on the sides of the implants. The sides of the implants are kinda numb, stingy, tingly. The rubbing of the arms, does not help this.
When I say they weigh a lot, the only way i can compare this is being 9 months pregnant. That’s how I feel right now. Uncomfortable, ready to have them out, like the ninth month of pregnancy. They are so heavy at times it is hard to breath. I am constantly being pulled down. Thank god i am strong and am mindful of my posture. Sometimes, i experience migrains from the pulling of the implants on my shoulders.

Not only the physical pain the larger implant has caused, the emotional complex of being blonde big boob chic does not play well. People treat you different when you have Large Breast. Yes, of course that was the first reason i got them. “to fill out my clothes” But i am a size larger then what i first signed up for. The first size was chosen for my small frame, the second size was to fill up the saggy skin from the pregnancies and the capsular contracture. So yes, i did want larger breast, but let me tell you, they are HUGE now.
And the MALE doctors do NOT know what it feels like to walk around with 2 5 pound balls on their chest! I am so fed up with this MALE based DOCTOR ROLE MODEL That we have created. MEN do not know what it feels like to be a woman. OF course they say its better to have bigger implants put in, then none at all. The Bigger their wallet grows.

Breast implant removal surgery can be indicated for a variety of reasons. However, most women achieve far better aesthetic results when replacing their implants or revising implant placement, than removing the prostheses completely. Before deciding upon an implant removal procedure, make sure to discuss all the available options with your plastic surgeon.

Reasons for Breast Implant Removal

Women might need to have their breast implants taken out for several common reasons. The typical indications for implant removal include:
* Ongoing infection

* Serious capsular contracture
* Continuing pain or discomfort during movement
* Breast cancer or other disease
* Implant failure or rupture
* Desire to change implant size or placement
* Dissatisfaction with augmentation results.

Unless removal is the only choice, implant revision is usually a much better option for most women. Completely removing breast implants, without replacing a new set, will do considerable cosmetic damage to the breasts. The tissue will be left ptotic and the skin will be completely stretched out. Removal of implants without replacement will require a drastic mastopexy procedure to re-sculpt the remaining natural breast tissue. Whenever possible, it is better to replace old, damaged or problematic implants with a new set, which will fill out the breast to a comparable or larger size.
If a reduction in size is desired, a combination of new implants and a breast lift will be needed to achieve a pleasing visual appearance. Women who have particular problematic issues with their breast enlargement results should consider a revision in placement or implant style or material. These adjustments are often all that is required to permanently resolve many troublesome complaints. If you do choose to simply remove the prostheses, be prepared to deal with severe cosmetic breast issues.

Recommendation on Breast Implant Removal
Cosmetic surgeons
know that not every breast augmentation works out perfectly for every patient. There are some risks and some patients do experience complications. However, a good surgeon will always stand by their work and do everything to resolve any issues you have, even if the solution requires additional procedures. I know that implant complications can be very scary and frustrating, but there is usually an effective solution which can be achieved without removing your implants. Patience is required and you must fight the urge to simply give up and ask for a complete removal. Patients who do simply take out their implants often do not realize the state of their natural breast tissue following enlargement surgery. Breasts will often be unrecognizable and require significant invasive cosmetic lifting and re-sculpting to fix. Before making up your mind to remove anything, talk to your surgeon to find out about other options which will give you a better, more satisfying result. A revision procedure will still be necessary, but the results will generally be far better with new implants than without any implants at all.

I will soon find out if having no Implants is worse like they are implying here. Only time will tell. Relief is what I seek. The weight, to be removed. If i could do it myself, i would! <3

Do I have Breast Cancer?

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Last June at Bonnaroo, a music festival in Manchester Tennessee, I shaved my head. Well, actually, Bonnie, one of my soul sisters, shaved my head. We did it in a field, where we were camping. I brought the clippers and we used the adapter in the car. LOL.. we FLipped the whole thing, the video is hilarious. Shaving my head was one of the most liberating actions of my life. For many years I had the urge to shave my head. Then, I did it. What happened next I could not have planned for. Every thing changed.
People began asking questions, and treating me different. Assumptions of cancer and much curiosity about Why I would do such a thing came about. Every person in my life treated me different. Looked at me different. My son, Kaden, 8, was highly unpleased. Me shaving my head has brought many opportunities for to talk to the kids about others opinions of us and the importance of following our hearts. Some of the kids at their schools did not understand why I did not have hair and the kids felt like they got made fun of. Kaden would beg me to wear a hat to his football practices.
My hair is growing out now, and Garron, my oldest, 10, asked me to come to his school to show his friends I had hair again. They still pick on him for his mom being bald.
This has highlighted the fact that sometimes, we ridicule what we may not understand. I think back in my life, and the judgments I have made out of simply not understanding.

So there seems to be the looming question I receive often, Do I have Cancer?
~~~~ There is no answer for this. Yes, I do. No, I don’t. What does cancer mean to you?

I cannot go any further with that question until I am aware of what the Asker’s definition
of cancer is.
Cancer is the uncontrolled growth of abnormal cells in the body.~pubmedhealth

Researchers divide the causes of cancer into two groups: those with an environmental cause and those with a hereditary genetic cause. Cancer is primarily an environmental disease.~WikiPedia

When I was 19 I changed the environment of my body. I put a Plastic Prosthetic Breast Implant in my body. The Cells of my body changed. My body’s immune system went to work trying to rid this implant. Scars from many cells coming together was left. Deformity, pain, tenderness, all unwanted cells, from the environment change.

So yes I have cancer. and heres the twist, you have cancer too.

Science shows we are all born with these cells. Cancer is not a death sentence. Cancer is not a scary monster. Cancer is cells.
I have witnessed cancer in loved ones. i have held the shaking hand of my friends as they became lost in the label of breast cancer, ovarian cancer, lung cancer, throat cancer, prostate cancer, skin cancer.. Like most, I have shed tears, felt anger, sadness, regret, and pain in the name of cancer. Perhaps, it was watching my grandfathers mis treatment of “cancer” from the time that I was 10 until he passed when I was 15. My grandfather was was a simple man, that lived off the land, in the mountains. When he became labeled with cancer the doctors began cutting on him, yet he still drove to the sulfur springs an hour away to collect the healing water to drink. I remember driving with him and my grandma, and how stinky the water was. He told me that water was going to heal him.
My farther and his brothers talked my papa into going into the city and having big time cancer treatment. My papa did not want to do that. But he did. I guess to show them he loved them, or to grasp at life. I dunno. I was so young, I did not contemplate these deep ideas then, I did not realize his need for that water and the earth, really could have saved his life. I watched the radiation and the surgeries and I watched him blend his food in a mixer because they cut so much of his mouth, he could not chew. He passed away, like an infant, being hand fed. My strong, loving, kind papa.
I could tell you many more stories of how cancer has impacted my life. My grandfather was the first. And what remains within me, left by him, is a need to return to the earth. Drinking the healing springs, eating the medicinal herbs, being a farmer, a builder, an inventor, a creator, a steward of my land, My grandfathers will remains within me, his strong lovingness.
It was that love of the springs that drew me to open iRelax in Hot Springs,AR. Where I grew, into a woman and witnessed many “miracle” healings.
IRelax was a my holistic studio with a juice bar. We juiced wheat grass and leaned to connect with our bodies. I witnessed plant essences being used to heal the body via aromatherapy, I witnessed regressions and crystal healings and reiki and movement all being used as tools to guide to patient inward. And we are all patients. We are all in Healing. At some level. Until transcendence. We are all in a balancing act. The positive cells, with the dark cells, with light cells with the right cells with the left cells.. with dinner time and homework, and the chores and the Bills…
Doing this work, of healing our bodies physically, also brings up emotional wounds. I realized the amount of shame and guilt I was carrying. We are taught in this “christian” Society, that we as women are either sinners of sluts. Healing these false perceptions is a daily work in progress.

Last year on Facebook I made a statement that still plays in my head today, I received hate mail, and even had 2 very dear sisters, remove me from their FB. I commented
I will walk in the Breast Cancer Awareness parade, if i can walk Shamelessly Topless
This was during “Breast Cancer” awareness month.
I could not explain my feelings through the threads of fb, and the comment was 100% mistaken. At that time in my life, I did not have the courage to speak up about my own breast. I was living with immense shame and guilt, and that is why I said Shamelessly. And to think, the idea of me walking topless in a parade to save breast would enrage other women. To me walking topless and bearing breast, celebrating our bodies, would be a parade of healing. Last year, no one in my life knew about the implants gone wrong or the hell I had gone through. And still no one will ever know how witnessing so many healings with live food and prayer has changed me.

This whole idea of Breast Cancer Awareness is the opposite of what metaphysics has taught me. Metaphysics has taught me what I am aware of, what I focus on grows. At the same time, what I Resist, persist. I understand walking with women and supporting one another. Women supporting women, this is crucial in us healing our bodies. However, most of the large organizations, are only funding how to “treat” Breast Cancer via pharmaceuticals. I am not putting down Allopathic Medicine. I am holding up Holistic Healing. There are also, less painful ways to find cancer rather then a mammogram. The “doctors” have us fooled as women, that from the time we begin our cycle, we are sick. We are in need of them check out our bodies. I do not participate in that model.
There is another way to treat cancer, and there are many many ways to prevent cancer.

So today, I am facing a surgery, as many women are. There is a risk with any surgery of death. Every day we are alive there is risk of death. That is why I attempt to make every day count. That is why I am so passionate about prevention. Because, when my last day is over, I will know, that I did every thing I knew to give my children, my partner, my family my friends, this planet, all i could. All i knew to live a love filled life. Death does not scare me. I know we are all one, and missing someone is only an illusion that we are seperate. I often go into my heart and speak to those i am longing to hear, or touch. There in that space, we connect. The missing subsides, and love remains.

At the end of the day, at the end of our life, love is the aim. Love cures cancer, Love builds bridges, love lifts us up.

I send out prayers of healing to any women that i have wronged, or hurt. I am aware of the power of our words, and i am aware of the power of transformation, and intention. I share this story, as an offering to any human i have brought pain to. This is my way of expressing, of going back, righting a wrong, clearing karma, lifting negativity. I invite Gods grace to rain upon me, and them, in this moment. Knowing now is the time of the Sacred Divine. Knowing now is the healing, The best way to begin our day is free of yesterday. I lay down the pains and move on. Today. I will move forth knowing all is well, and we are ONE on this path of Love. <3

Rippling & Capsular Contracture…

This photo may be the hardest I have posted yet.

I have received a lot of questions and I would like to take the time here, to answer a few.

What went wrong? ~ In 1999 I chose to receive implants. I weighed 115 pounds and wore a size A bra. I had very little breast tissue. A close relative of mine, received implants and hers were ok, so I went to her doctor. In 1999 Goggle was not what it is today, and I MUST tell you I did ZERO research on the Doctor. The doctor I went to was a COSMETIC SURGEON.

There is a BIG difference between a Plastic Surgeon and a Cosmetic Surgeon.
A Cosmetic Surgeon is a Doctor that has taken a short class on how to alter the body. In my case the Doctor was an OBGYN and went to a weekend class on how to put implants in through the belly button. However, they are not allowed to cut the muscle. Here was was my $5,000.00 mistake! Had I gone to a Plastic Surgeon, instead of the cosmetic surgeon, and had the implant put in Under the muscle to begin with, there is a chance I would not have experienced the extreme Capsular Contracture the first time around. Capsular contractures increase greatly with over the muscle implants and since the implant is over the muscle there is nothing hiding the distortion.

What is a Capsular Contracture anyways?~~ A breast implant is a prosthetic. A Plastic Prosthetic. When the prosthetic is placed into the body, either over the muscle or under the muscle, the surgeon creates a “pocket” for the implant to sit in. This pocket is “supposed” to stay fluid and the implant is supposed to have some movement within the pocket.
Our bodies have an immune system and a defense system. When there is pain signals or any foreign objects placed in the body, the body’s perfectly designed system goes to work, to remove the trauma. The Pocket the Prosthetic is placed in, begins to Push the implant out. Then there is scar tissue formed once the implant remains. The Breast Prosthetic is a plastic bag, and once this pocket begins to scar the plastic bag tightens, becomes hard and disfigured. The doctors grade the severity of the Capsular Contracture with a Bakers Scale grading system. The first implants i had first, ended with a Grade 4 Capsular Contracture. (1 the lowest and 4 the highest)<these are the photos i am so nervous and anxious about sharing with you, as i am only at about Grade 2 right now, and the LARGE Golf sized ball Knot is not as visible as the contracture was in the first set of implants.>

What could I have done to Prevent this? ~~~ 1. I could have chosen a Plastic Surgeon, not a cosmetic surgeon. 2. smoking increases chances of Capsular Contracutre (i WAS a smoker)
3. Vitamin E oil has been a God Send. I only began using this on a daily basis 2 years ago and the difference is INCREDIBLE. I could have started the day I received the first implants.
4. I could have NOT gotten the implants to begin with.

How many Women experience Similar Side Effects?~~~~ This is SO hard to gauge. And is something I plan to advocate for in the future. There is no singular data base where women have to report back after the implants. I have googled stats and talked with over 10 doctors personally about this. Every number,  I get is different.
What I am able to Matter of Factly tell you, is this happens MORE then any surgeon would like to say, and happens more often with the Over the Muscle implants.
Over the last 12 years I have seen and talked with many many women about their implants. This is SO common. Not many women come forward, and when they do, its rarely in public and like I said, there is no place to report or gather accurate statistics. Its taken me so long to gather the courage to talk about this, And now sharing the photos, is even harder.
There are so many women suffering in silence right now. There are also many women, girls, thinking today about having implants, and it is for them, that I share my story, and these photos. Also, to all of the women who have chosen to have a Mastectomy, or are faced with the choice of implants after the removal. I want to tell these women, that having the implants will not always ad beauty to your life. Yes filling out a dress with big boobs is nice, but is it worth $18,5000.00. Breast Implants are a commitment to more surgeries. The FDA says they only last 15 years, and then need to be replaced.
All of the reasons for replacement involve the breast looking disfigured from the complications. Women with nice looking breast do not go back to pay $7-$10,000.00 and deal with the healing because they are satisfied with the results.
Getting Breast Implants to Enhance my body is what I desired, and I was so fooled to think the enhancement would bring me peace or confidence. My peace has come from the divine within and my confidence has come from being a Phenomenal Woman. Neither of these come from another human being or anything material.

Thank you to ALL that have Shared my story on GO FUND ME> Sharing this story through emails and social networking sites it the best way for us to spread this message with our youth filled daughters, sisters, cousins. I have a 7 years old daughter, named Patience, every day I look at her, and I see perfection, beaming. It is that perfection, that innocent beauty that is at hand for me. Having implants took much of that innocence from me. Now, I am able to use the power of the pen and perhaps save one woman from experiencing this. Now i am wise enough, strong enough, smart enough, lovable enough, to share this with you. And I honor the Strength within you for sharing this with me, <3
Abundant Blessings <3


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