Last June at Bonnaroo, a music festival in Manchester Tennessee, I shaved my head. Well, actually, Bonnie, one of my soul sisters, shaved my head. We did it in a field, where we were camping. I brought the clippers and we used the adapter in the car. LOL.. we FLipped the whole thing, the video is hilarious. Shaving my head was one of the most liberating actions of my life. For many years I had the urge to shave my head. Then, I did it. What happened next I could not have planned for. Every thing changed.
People began asking questions, and treating me different. Assumptions of cancer and much curiosity about Why I would do such a thing came about. Every person in my life treated me different. Looked at me different. My son, Kaden, 8, was highly unpleased. Me shaving my head has brought many opportunities for to talk to the kids about others opinions of us and the importance of following our hearts. Some of the kids at their schools did not understand why I did not have hair and the kids felt like they got made fun of. Kaden would beg me to wear a hat to his football practices.
My hair is growing out now, and Garron, my oldest, 10, asked me to come to his school to show his friends I had hair again. They still pick on him for his mom being bald.
This has highlighted the fact that sometimes, we ridicule what we may not understand. I think back in my life, and the judgments I have made out of simply not understanding.
So there seems to be the looming question I receive often, Do I have Cancer?
~~~~ There is no answer for this. Yes, I do. No, I don’t. What does cancer mean to you?
I cannot go any further with that question until I am aware of what the Asker’s definition
of cancer is.
Cancer is the uncontrolled growth of abnormal cells in the body.~pubmedhealth
Researchers divide the causes of cancer into two groups: those with an environmental cause and those with a hereditary genetic cause. Cancer is primarily an environmental disease.~WikiPedia
When I was 19 I changed the environment of my body. I put a Plastic Prosthetic Breast Implant in my body. The Cells of my body changed. My body’s immune system went to work trying to rid this implant. Scars from many cells coming together was left. Deformity, pain, tenderness, all unwanted cells, from the environment change.
So yes I have cancer. and heres the twist, you have cancer too.
Science shows we are all born with these cells. Cancer is not a death sentence. Cancer is not a scary monster. Cancer is cells.
I have witnessed cancer in loved ones. i have held the shaking hand of my friends as they became lost in the label of breast cancer, ovarian cancer, lung cancer, throat cancer, prostate cancer, skin cancer.. Like most, I have shed tears, felt anger, sadness, regret, and pain in the name of cancer. Perhaps, it was watching my grandfathers mis treatment of “cancer” from the time that I was 10 until he passed when I was 15. My grandfather was was a simple man, that lived off the land, in the mountains. When he became labeled with cancer the doctors began cutting on him, yet he still drove to the sulfur springs an hour away to collect the healing water to drink. I remember driving with him and my grandma, and how stinky the water was. He told me that water was going to heal him.
My farther and his brothers talked my papa into going into the city and having big time cancer treatment. My papa did not want to do that. But he did. I guess to show them he loved them, or to grasp at life. I dunno. I was so young, I did not contemplate these deep ideas then, I did not realize his need for that water and the earth, really could have saved his life. I watched the radiation and the surgeries and I watched him blend his food in a mixer because they cut so much of his mouth, he could not chew. He passed away, like an infant, being hand fed. My strong, loving, kind papa.
I could tell you many more stories of how cancer has impacted my life. My grandfather was the first. And what remains within me, left by him, is a need to return to the earth. Drinking the healing springs, eating the medicinal herbs, being a farmer, a builder, an inventor, a creator, a steward of my land, My grandfathers will remains within me, his strong lovingness.
It was that love of the springs that drew me to open iRelax in Hot Springs,AR. Where I grew, into a woman and witnessed many “miracle” healings.
IRelax was a my holistic studio with a juice bar. We juiced wheat grass and leaned to connect with our bodies. I witnessed plant essences being used to heal the body via aromatherapy, I witnessed regressions and crystal healings and reiki and movement all being used as tools to guide to patient inward. And we are all patients. We are all in Healing. At some level. Until transcendence. We are all in a balancing act. The positive cells, with the dark cells, with light cells with the right cells with the left cells.. with dinner time and homework, and the chores and the Bills…
Doing this work, of healing our bodies physically, also brings up emotional wounds. I realized the amount of shame and guilt I was carrying. We are taught in this “christian” Society, that we as women are either sinners of sluts. Healing these false perceptions is a daily work in progress.
Last year on Facebook I made a statement that still plays in my head today, I received hate mail, and even had 2 very dear sisters, remove me from their FB. I commented
“I will walk in the Breast Cancer Awareness parade, if i can walk Shamelessly Topless“
This was during “Breast Cancer” awareness month.
I could not explain my feelings through the threads of fb, and the comment was 100% mistaken. At that time in my life, I did not have the courage to speak up about my own breast. I was living with immense shame and guilt, and that is why I said Shamelessly. And to think, the idea of me walking topless in a parade to save breast would enrage other women. To me walking topless and bearing breast, celebrating our bodies, would be a parade of healing. Last year, no one in my life knew about the implants gone wrong or the hell I had gone through. And still no one will ever know how witnessing so many healings with live food and prayer has changed me.
This whole idea of Breast Cancer Awareness is the opposite of what metaphysics has taught me. Metaphysics has taught me what I am aware of, what I focus on grows. At the same time, what I Resist, persist. I understand walking with women and supporting one another. Women supporting women, this is crucial in us healing our bodies. However, most of the large organizations, are only funding how to “treat” Breast Cancer via pharmaceuticals. I am not putting down Allopathic Medicine. I am holding up Holistic Healing. There are also, less painful ways to find cancer rather then a mammogram. The “doctors” have us fooled as women, that from the time we begin our cycle, we are sick. We are in need of them check out our bodies. I do not participate in that model.
There is another way to treat cancer, and there are many many ways to prevent cancer.
So today, I am facing a surgery, as many women are. There is a risk with any surgery of death. Every day we are alive there is risk of death. That is why I attempt to make every day count. That is why I am so passionate about prevention. Because, when my last day is over, I will know, that I did every thing I knew to give my children, my partner, my family my friends, this planet, all i could. All i knew to live a love filled life. Death does not scare me. I know we are all one, and missing someone is only an illusion that we are seperate. I often go into my heart and speak to those i am longing to hear, or touch. There in that space, we connect. The missing subsides, and love remains.
At the end of the day, at the end of our life, love is the aim. Love cures cancer, Love builds bridges, love lifts us up.
I send out prayers of healing to any women that i have wronged, or hurt. I am aware of the power of our words, and i am aware of the power of transformation, and intention. I share this story, as an offering to any human i have brought pain to. This is my way of expressing, of going back, righting a wrong, clearing karma, lifting negativity. I invite Gods grace to rain upon me, and them, in this moment. Knowing now is the time of the Sacred Divine. Knowing now is the healing, The best way to begin our day is free of yesterday. I lay down the pains and move on. Today. I will move forth knowing all is well, and we are ONE on this path of Love. <3