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Category Archives: Breast Implant Removal

Think Implants will make you feel more like a woman??

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Today I celebrate 14 weeks free of the Breast Prosthetics!! The scars are still healing, the muscles are growing strong again and my sprits are high! Before the surgery I did an online event to share my photos of my first set of implants. This is the first time I share them here on this blog. In 1999 I went to a cosmetic surgeon to inquire about implants. My mother received implants from this man 10 years before I did, so naturally I went to him. She received over the muscle silicon implants. She also weighed about 20 pounds more then me. Now I am aware that carrying extra weight, even 20 pounds hides the il-effects of the implants. 
I was also unaware of the difference between a “Cosmetic Surgeon” and a “Plastic Surgeon” In previous blogs I detail the difference, but want to highlight today, my distain for this profession that uses women’s lack of self confidence to mutilate their bodies. The “doctor” (I use that term very lightly) did not tell me I was not a candidate for this surgery. My breast tissue was small and the implants lay over the muscle, therefore making the bag very easy to see. Also, there is not one Plastic Surgeon, that I have found, that preforms this TUBA<Trans Umbilical Breast Augmentation>procedure. The plastic surgeon that preformed the removal of my implants knew exactly who the “doctor” was that preformed my first surgery, and said he does at least one reparative surgery a week because of his work. The implants were put in threw my belly button, and as you can in the photo, there is a scar. When I google TUBA the sites do not show this truth. The rate of capsular contracture is also much higher with the TUBA, yet again on the web sites promoted by the “cosmetic surgeons” they do not say this, as a matter of fact they blatantly lie and say the risk with this surgery is much lower.
It took being off camera for the last surgeon to answer many of the questions I had regarding my first surgery. While I applaud the surgeon for the well job on the removal, there is still a part of me that is very unhappy with his ethics regarding the entire Breast Implant scene. Why do cosmetic surgeons still get to offer this surgery knowing the horrible outcome? Why, if he is correcting so many surgeries does he not call and report this surgeon. Basically, from my perception, if one surgeon is exposed, it will taint the whole scene. None of the surgeons preforming these surgeries are totally forth coming with evidence that implants are not always safe for every woman. Qualifications ad up to how much money the patient has.
I could not look at these photos for many years. It was not until November when I made the choice for removal that I even had the courage to show my partner of 2 years. Even viewing the photos was to painful.
I lived with the severe capusular contracture for 5 years. I did not wear a bathing suit and was very insecure with most shirts I wore because  I could see the deformity through the shirt.
In the past I worked at a few strip clubs. Miami and New York.. not shabby clubs like one my find in Arkansas where I am from. I have seen the behind the scenes of breasts implants, and I will tell you, my story is more common then any doctor will lead you to believe. I have seen the breasts of a few women in Playboy, and photoshop is a forgiving tool used on every model in the magazine. There is no data base, or any agency collecting info on these prosthetics. I was never counted for.

Today I carry the scars of this “scarless” procedure. I am happier then I could have ever imagined to be Plastic Free. Today, I have the courage to post these photos for all to see. I want women to understand that one surgery will most likely lead to another. The FDA only approves implants for 10 years.  This is my plea to the women reading this, do not mutilate your precious body. No matter what age or size you are now, this is not the answer to “feel more womanly”. Go take a yoga class or art class or grow a garden, there are many avenues we have available to tap into the divine goddess we are. Inserting plastic into our bodies, will not fill the void within. Feeling beautiful, I am now sure of, is an inside out job.~ Love & Light

Painted Boobies

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This year at Bonnaroo I finally found the courage to walk topless in public! I have desired to do body painting at Bonnaroo the last 2 years, yet did not feel comfortable with the breast implants. Perhaps it was the deformation of just the size of them, either way, I was not brave enough to “Free the boobies at Bonnaroo”! This year was different though. Friday night I found the DrumStrong tent where they offered body painting. There was a Pink ribbon suggesting they were supporting the Susan G Koman foundation. I told the founder, Scott, part of my story and shared my desire to paint my breasts at Bonnaroo, yet, my dilemma due to the fact that I do no give my dollars to this foundation. His ears perked up, and his heart opened as he shared with me how he has dealt with cancer in his own life, and how he too supports prevention. He spoke highly of a plant based diet, and drumming to bring one into the moment of life. He did not take my dollars that night, and that makes me happy. To find a group, doing what they do, because of the love they behold in their heart is a gem. For a moment, Scott recognized in me, a desire to be free and danced with me.

It was not until the next day I learned it is illegal for a woman to walk topless. I guess I just always assumed it was not something we did due to cultural ideals, not necessarily a law, or something I would go to jail for. This idea that if I show my breast in public is “indecent” is ludicrous to me. Who made this law? Surely it was a man! Walking topless feels so nice. Wearing a bra is not comfortable! Plus my wounds from the surgery are not all the way healed and the bathing suit or bra hurts the bottom incisions.

What is it with women’s breasts and mans need for us to cover them? And what keeps us bound to keep following these man made laws? Is it our own insecurities that keeps our shirts on? Have we as women bought so heavily into the idea that our bodies are sinful and must be covered? I say to all you women reading this.. FREE Your Breasts. BE Who you ARE! Sunning topless feels amazing!

14 weeks post Breasts Prosthetic Removal and I could not be happier about my choice. The Dr. that removed them kept asking if I was going to be “OK” with the smaller size, well, today I say “YES I AM!” These scars feel better to me then the plastic EVER did.Top on, or top off, I am OK with simply being me.

I will never again modify me to “fit in”. I will stand tall, and bathe in who I AM. I will show my daughter by my actions, that being a woman, means following your heart. Even if that means painting the world with your own colors your own unique way.. Live Brightly! Live Boldly.. We are only here for a brief moment. Carpe Diem!

Stitch Removal, 12 weeks later..

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The last few days I have felt a hard rough place, like a scab on my right breast where the skin is still healing. Today after the shower when I was applying coconut oil to the area I pulled the scaby piece of scar, and a thick stitch came with it! The stitches so far have disolved on their own, so this was a little shocking! I attempted to pull it, which looking back appears to not have been the best idea! The stitch was not budging. I cut the stitch short, in hopes it will further dissolve on its own.
Now, the place is tender and wearing a bra is not happening today!

This time in my healing, aside for the slightest of pains from the scars healing, is quit a refreshing time for me. I feel like “me”. Maybe for the first time in my life. When I was 19 and made the choice to have implants there is no way I could have predicted how they would have changed my life. The way people treat each other based on looks has been highlighted for me within the last year. First with shaving my head, and now having this reduction is breast size. I am learning much about myself, and notice more when I begin to be judgmental or form an opinion about another based on simple appearances. This experience of carrying these scars is totally uplifting and helpful when I begin to creep into stereotyping, and judging. From this scared, but healing standpoint, it is much easier for me to remember every one is healing some scar in their life, somehow. This reflection has offered me a greater sense of humility, and connection with others. I am grateful for these scars. I own them. I love them, and that makes all the difference.

“Scarless Breasts Enhancement” NOT so Scarless!

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Today I celebrate 7 weeks free from Plastic Hell!!!! WOOHOOO!!!!
This morning I’m sitting on my front porch, having tea with my dog watching the birds. There is a peace about the day with the sun rising and the due evaporating, all is well and I am FREE. Physically Pain Free!
Each day the pain from the implants and the mass growing in my breast becomes further away. My body is rebuilding muscles and skin tissue all in perfect time. I am always amazed at the wonders of this body I have been gifted. What a brilliant machine the human body is!

I have had a lot of questions since I have gone public with my reality of living with breast prosthetics.
Like, what would I tell someone that is about to receive the prosthetics. My only advice to any one thinking of surgery Or that already has the prosthetics: Start a Savings Account. Begin saving for the next surgery.
Oh! And remember the doctor is there to sell you his product. Perhaps, a salesperson with a scalpel license would somewhat describe the Man sitting across from you, better then a “Doctor”. The sales person will never say, you are not qualified, or tell you the imminent danger you will be putting yourself in if you make this choice. There is no data base for follow ups, so ANY statistic they tell you will be misleading. Being a women is not about the size of our breast. Being an alive woman will never come from any foreign object. Especially one that implies such a health risk.
Last week i received the last bills, from my surgery, they were unexpected, as I thought I was paid in full. $500.00 more dollars for the hospital and doctor. Bringing my grand total to $19,400.00! I think of all of the things I could have purchased for almost 20grand! I think of all the people I could have helped with that money! But,,, I have these scars. Were they worth it? Absolutely, I wouldn’t change a minute of my life. Would I advise them to another human being? Absolutely NOT!

Dance, sing, love, bask in the Sun! Live life! <3 Cheers to you on this day of celebration! <3

9 Days later….

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I have thought about blogging everyday since the surgery. Blogging this journey feels natural and intimate. I am offered comfort in sharing my story with others.
March 16, 2011, at 1:25p.m. the Dr began cutting my skin. There are so many details of this experience I have to share with you. The video content for the documentary is superb. Julie, my sister, videographer, has walked with me through this process. I might ad, that she has a way of asking just the right question at just the right time, invoking tears, laughter and wisdom.

About a year ago I began a photo journal of my Breasts. As I noted the changes, I knew I needed to document them. The right breast had begun to deform and this thing I called “the knot” grew and grew. The doctor first called this knot a “RENT,” which I learned was a small leak in a silicone implant, which I did not have. At the next visit, he said it was a herniated implant, and the doctor that preformed my second surgery must have cut the muscle vertically and the implant was now being forced out of my body, due to my muscles growing from Poling.
This was all very confusing. The year before I thought this Knot was a byproduct of another contracture in the capsule around the implant. So hearing new words, new definitions, with little explanation was a lot for me to consume mentally. I must have 200 photos of my right breast, attempting to capture this growing hard bulge in my body.
After surgery I learned this “knot” was actually a blood clot. 3o CC’s of bloody liquid grew within the clot. I will be blogging more on the details of the clot, and share the photos with you. Seeing the blood clot laying on the implant in one of the photos the doctor took, filled me with many emotions.
A blood clot? In my body? Growing, What? I am still in shock, and processing this. As this blood clot was the source was much pain in my body.

Today the Implants are gone and the drain tubes have been out for 4 days. SWEET RELIEF.
I look in the mirror and think, “Why in the world did I ever make such a choice?” I bought into this “Quick Fix” idea that seems to loom over our society. I honestly did not think one time before I signed up for Scarless Breast Enhancements about them “going wrong”
I was 19 years old. I was told they would last a lifetime! I was not told about Capsular Contractures, Rupturing, Rents, Knots, Rippling,Hardening, Deformation, Desensitization, Blood Clots, Scar Tissue and NOT being able to feel another’s heart beat.
Now, 12 years later, $18,900.00, 3 surgeries, years of pain, shame, guilt, blame they are gone. I am free.
This is a good day for me. Last night, I tried on a few dresses that I hoped I could still wear, YES! AND I feel BEAUTIFUL! I have learned, for me, the size of my breasts are NOT important. 100%. I have learned that with this Big Smile, and Big Heart, and Big MInd, I am exactly perfect. The way god made me.

Today, I am Organic. I am animal free, plastic free, chemical free, wheat free. I am free to Hug and I will tell you Hugging is Healing. I was unable to hug straight on before, as the hard plastic was in the way, and painful to embrace another. Even with the stitches still remaining, I am in less pain then I was 10 days ago.
I am aware now, that for 12 years, my body has been fighting this plastic that was violently forced into it.
I was unaware of the Grace that lived within my body, I was unaware of my inner gifts. I tried to play God, Huge failure. Today, I will stand, in gratitude and awe of my wondrous body. This vehicle, container of the divine. My body is healing very rapidly, I have remained committed to my daily Yoga practice and at day 6, I began poling again. I am taking things very slow. I have taken time to heal from within.
I am blessed to have a network of people that love me and have helped me through this journey. Today is the best day of my life. And what is marvelous is that yesterday was the best day of my life and tomorrow is sure to top that!
The last 7 years of my life, I have spent in devotion to Prevention Medicine. Holistically honoring the rhythms of my life, and today, the diligence, has paid off. My body is happy today. Today I am in balance with all that is. This moment is sacred and I am grateful to share this with you.
There is a clip from the videos I will post soon. The moment I first see my new breasts is one of the most beautiful, pure, sweet moments of my life.
This is not just my story, but OUR story. This is my small part within the whole of us all. I share this in hope that I may save another human being from the pain I endured. Yes, it was worth it. Not one minute do I regret. Sharing this makes it worth every thing. What is within you that could help another? Share your sacred story too. Together, we are able to transcend and begin again.
Love and Light <3

Money Bags, Be Gone!

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I skipped blogging yesterday. Sharing my story is far more emotional then I could have known. Daily there are new twist and turns in this adventure, as in all of life. However, for me is more then just some-thing going on. This breast implant removal has blossomed into my souls purpose. I haven’t ever taken on a task as big as this. Perhaps as big as giving birth to my children. For in this process I am birthing a new Me.

Long ago, I was a child, an innocent blonde hair bright eyed girl. I liked to run, play, ride my bike, and sing with my best friends. Then, I somehow left that innocent world and opened the door of AdultHood.
The images of girls that looked like me where put on magazines, and I noticed I was now “sexy” not so much “smart” “Smart” girls go to college. College was not my thing. I wanted adventure. I guess I thought the breast implants would take me around the world, HA maybe after this they will.
I lusted after this image, this image that is everywhere we look. Perky Boobs, white teeth, blonde hair, designer clothes, high heels…. Those images captivated my eyes. I am a thinker, and the school people told me that was going to get me no where fast. I did not like doing their test, I did not enjoy learning their text book facts. My thinking lead to questioning what i was being taught. I liked creating, yet I did not know what “I” liked to create. Well, I liked to create sex. And girls that like to create sex are not always viewed as “smart,” especially when I was not buying the religion I was being force feed.
I have always been open with my body. Standing naked in front of a group of people does not bother me. What I see often, is that My nudity bothers others. Maybe it bothers them because of their insecurities, perhaps because of the way they feel when they look at me. Im not sure why we are so hung up on nudity in this society?
I knew after high school I was going to leave the town I grew up in. The town I felt was going nowhere fast. I also knew for many years I wanted Breast Implants. I had small breast and they were often the center of jokes. I wish I knew then, that others only say to you how they feel about themselves. To hide, or cover their own insecurities. I did not know that though. I wasn’t taught to foster and nurture my female relationships. As a matter of fact, I was told girls would never like me because I was pretty, yet I was scorned and picked on because of the way I looked. I did not “feel” pretty. I felt awkward, insecure and inadequate.
So I had just turned 19 and was introduced to a quick easy way to make some money, and money something I thought I needed to seize adventure in my heart. I pulled together $5,000.00, got my implants went to a strip club 5 hours away from where I lived. I entered an “amateur” contest and made $1,000.00 the first night. This was what I was making a month waiting tables! Which was fine when I was in high school, but not getting me anywhere in this new adult world I found myself in. I was hooked. LIke Crack. Dancing was easy for me. Stand up, take my dress off, and men threw money my way. This seemed easy enough. I was so nieve.
Shortly after I began dancing I met my children’s father, no not a strip club! I also read a Book, called Conversations with God. This book awakened my awareness of my soul. I also found Unity church. Where gay people attended and it did not matter I had taken my clothes off for money. I wasn’t labeled a sinner. For the first time in my life, I meet people that saw the light in me. They constantly lifted me up. And I did nothing. I just showed up. One week after reading the book Conversations with God, I became pregnant with my first child. I had stopped dancing, but did not know what I could do with me life. I still do not. As now, I know there is no-thing to do, only to be. And today being in the moment is all I ask for.
I am so blessed for my experiences their at the “Purple Church” There I learned many lessons. I met rock stars, athletes, porn stars, preachers, actors, seekers, moms,teachers, girls, women,,, I met humans, Doing, grasping to feel pleasure, or grasping at an effort to numb the pain.
It seems I am at a stage in my life telling my story is very necessary. Perhaps, I am going to die soon, perhaps, this is living for me now. Perhaps stripping away the tales from my past, shining a light on Gods grace in my life is the greatest doingness I could do.
I see my daughter. She is 7. Her name is Patience. She is innocent. Like a flower. She is the light of my life, and by telling my story, perhaps I protect her innocence. After I received breast implants, my innocence was gone. Telling my story helps me reclaim the child within, myself. The child within me that’s needs to create and shine…. I am crying again, as the tears eb and flow these days.

In the journey of my life I have sat with sages, and meditated with gurus i’ve danced on stage in front of 100,000 people. I have eaten from many buffets that this world has to offer. There is nothing sweeter then living simply. Simply Living.

The more I seek, the less I know. The more I listen, the more I grow.
I am sitting within the flow.
The flow of bliss,
there is a place i am going, i want you to know,
I am at peace, centered in love.
I share my adventures, my race to the grave,
Unlocking the stories of my outer slave.
I surrender to the inner,
place in my heart.
still, not even a fart.
In this quiet-ness i see me,
and you and us and we
Then infinity. ~

<3

How to Dress a Breast Implant Prosthetic

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Hiding my Lady Lump.

Before I received Breast Implants I imagined how clothes would fit me better and how I would look more like a women if I had larger breast. I never thought of the rippling that goes along with implants. I sure did not think about Capsular Contracture or having a large knot in one of them. Every shirt or dress I wear now, must be chosen with this in mind. I also dreamed of going to Victoria Secret. Those commercials are very enticing! After my implants, I learned bra designers are most likely men, and were designed with real breast in mind.
Now, with the implant bottoming out so much, I am no longer able to wear a bra, or shirts with built in bras. The part were the band rubs under my implants causes a lot of pain.
I realized, while shopping with a girl friend recently, that I had not shared this with any one. In a moment of self realization I noticed I have been secretly hiding the flaws of the implants for many years.
I have seen other women with implants struggle with the same task. Hiding the flaws. Hiding the truth.

I wonder why more women do not talk publicly about this. Is it that we feel ashamed? The websites, and the stats and the doctors tell us, we are experiencing this “defect” because it is our bodies that are not ok. That the plastic prosthetic and their work is A-OK, it is our body that has become faulty.
I am so grateful for my experiences in life. I am so grateful I have spoken to so many dissatisfied women.These women remind me my story is NOT uncommon. Their stories, the photos of their breast implants remain at the front of my mind, I am no longer fooled by fake statistics and misleading evidence.
The stats are not true. They are not true because there is no Date Base for Women to Report To. There is no where my results where will be calculated. I am only a number. I only became a number because I had the dollars. Having breast implants is risky. The risk is far greater then what the Doctors making the money from these procedures want to tell us. Of course, they have been sold on this idea of fake beauty as well. They have been sold, this idea of a magic pill or a magic cut that will cure what ails us. I am not damming the doctors. That is not my style. I am sharing my story. I am sharing my reality, My experience. I am showing what many many women are afraid to show. Every day i receive messages from women telling stories of great courage, and wisdom.
I am grateful.

When we share our wisdom we strengthen the whole.
How we present ourselves and carry ourselves is how the world views us. Having breast implants did in-fact change the way I was viewed. So now dressing them becomes the task. I used to want larger breast, now they are in the way and a large reminder of why Prevention is my path.

Since I have shared this story, dressing my implants has become even more of a mindful task. Now when i meet people, their eyes first drift down. I notice they immediatly go to my chest. I wonder what they are thinking, can they see the deformity? Do they WANNA see the deformity. Because I will show you if you ask. I will allow you to touch the golf ball size knot that is close to rupturing. Some donate their bodies to Science when they go, me I offer my body daily to discover ways to prevent another from pain.
This is my story, unedited. with love and healing weaved in these words, i wish you a well day<3

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